just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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