At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
