just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
