He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Semen is not good for contacts.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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