Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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