Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
