Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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