I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
