who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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