I think I won the penis lottery.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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