I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
