my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
