just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
