It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
