we made out on top of his cat.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
