i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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