i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
