would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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