Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
