: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15