i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap