Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I am available for nakedness
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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