cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
