So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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