If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
you had me at cake vodka
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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