She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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