hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
