can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
