R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
