That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
