i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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