He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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