I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
