i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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