all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
