just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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