if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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