i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
