Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
