Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Walk of Shame today included voting.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
