I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
