I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
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In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
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I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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