I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
