6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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