Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
