So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
