please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
