I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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