was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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