Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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