Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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