I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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