her vagina looked like bernie madoff
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.