You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.