I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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