I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
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She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
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He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday