I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
