dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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