he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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