how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
