I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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